Thank You.

Oh I am definitely moving on but I am NO coward. You're the coward for walking away. I was honest with you. Completely honest and if you think me resisting and using my will power to not let anything happen, isn't giving my 100% then you have issues and you don't know what you want. Why is it bugging me even though I said I won't get hurt? Because I fell for you, for like the thousandth time and I'm not gonna fall for you again. So THANK YOU for walking away.

Until later.

Love,
Me

Word.

"I know I'm a catch. I know I'm an easy person to fall in love with but I'm a tough person to love and whoever can handle that, is the guy I'm meant to be with."

Until later.

Love,
Me

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Sorry I haven't blogged in a long time. I've been pledging & on top of that school is getting rather busy & keeping in touch with my family & friends. It's a lot of work.

This has been a weird ass week let me tell you. I won't go into details about this week or last night especially but I am physically and emotionally drained.

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible." I keep thinking about this quote that Ms. Jaimie gave us yesterday before O.C.T and it sums up everything I want in life, in every aspect of my life. There are so many goals, so many things that I want to accomplish and I've just realized that I've been so scared to get out of my comfort zone and step out of the box, my whole..entire..life. The closest of I've ever come to "finding the limits of the possible by going beyond them into the impossible" was when I was with him. I opened my heart like crazy for him & it still hurts me to know that it ended the way it did. Sure, recently, I fell in love with someone I've known for years & we, yet again, could've had something but I just wasn't ready. There's nothing wrong with him, he's great & practically perfect but the hold the other one has on me is so strong that even with a year approaching since our break up..I still get butterflies when I talk to him. Being 400 miles away from him helps a lot but when I see him again everything just comes back & I wish it didn't. I love the feeling but when it's not reciprocated it hurts. Should I have just jumped into the relationship with the other one & see where it would go? Because I'm stuck here wondering, yet again. It was only fair to him because he was giving his all & I wanted to be his, I really did, don't get me wrong..but I knew i'd be ready when he asked me out & I didn't hesitate saying yes, but I did hesitate.

Sigh..what is wrong with me? I know I'm a catch. Sure, I've made mistakes. Sure, I've fucked up. But, I am no typical girl. I'm not. I'm a tough person to love that's for sure but who said love was easy? If it is easy then to me, it wouldn't be worth it because it would feel like you 2 didn't work for it.

I guess I just miss him & talking to him the past week & texting him..really brought everything back. After over 11 months..it's still there. Right now it's pretty hidden but damn..

Until next time.

Love,
Me

It's Been A While.

Wow. I never thought I'd say this but I miss blogging. It's been almost 2 months. Sorry. :/

Just spent the weekend at home and I love being home. I love Long Beach but it will never replace home. I'm about to drive to Tracy right now to pick up Lolo Tone and Lola Gayang. Not up for the drive back to Southern California at all.

I'll blog more when I get back.

Until then.

Love, Me.

Lagging.

Damn I'm lagging on my blogs. I have to update on the last what almost 2 weeks? But again I will lag a little bit longer because my sisters and I are going to Val's soon.

"It is, what it is." Definitely cousin.

Until later.

Love, Me.

Liars.

I hate liars.

I'm not saying I haven't lied. I'm not saying that I haven't had my share of fucking up with lying but I've learned from my mistakes and my bad experiences with lying.

Therefore, I think it's ok for me to say that I hate liars. It pisses me off when people lie to me ESPECIALLY when they do it more than once just to save their asses. It doesn't save you. Just tell the truth. At least if you tell the truth, I'll still respect you.

Again, I will blog about my weekend later.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

I'm a Hater.

Why am I hater? Ok maybe not a hater but more of a disliker? Yeah, disliker. Who cares if it isn't a real word. Haha.

Anyway, I strongly dislike people who are so irresponsible. Especially if it effects others. Like do they feel obligated to bring everyone else down because they fucked up? If there was a dislike button for people, that would make them realize that they totally suck at the moment--I'd so press it times infinity.

I said I would blog about my weekend but yet again I will do that later.

Until next time. Peace!

Love, Me.

Best Friend.

I miss my best friend. A lot :/. Too bad....

I have a lot to blog about, about this weekend but i'll do it tomorrow.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

Sayang.

Sinabi ng nanay ko "sayang." Oo nanay, sayang na sayang talaga.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

August already?

I've had this blog for one month already. Accomplishment? Yeah because I've actually kept up with it.

Today (technically yesterday) my sisters, Steven and I went to eat pho in Union City. After pho we went to my grandparent's house to hang out with everyone and wait for my parents and Ate Jessica to arrive so we could head to the airport. Went to SFO to drop off Kuya Roy to the airport. After the airport we dropped off Ate Jessica in Richmond which was so inconvenient and quite scary but whatever. Anyway, we were on our way home and then my dad was hungry so we somehow ended up at Gerry's Grill in Union City with 14 of us eating there. We were there till 12. Pretty random but I love random outtings.

August 1st. Wow. A difference a year makes, really. I won't be sad about it but I do miss it. So, all I will say is happy what would've been. Sigh..

Until next time.

Love, Me.

Take Time to Realize.

So when I tried talking to my sister just now, she didn't even want to listen. This makes me extremely sad. It also makes me realize that all the people that I consider best friends or close friends rather, are fading, well most of them anyway. It sucks because no wonder I keep my issues and thoughts to myself most of the time because no one seems to want to listen. No wonder I've been lonely lately.

I'm not going to let this phase me. If I'm meant to be alone relationship-wise of friend-wise--my goals will still be met and I'll be fine.

Jessie Anne..you can do this.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

Don't You Just Hate That?

So, I woke up half an hour ago and I don't even know why. I fell asleep at around 1. Which doesn't make any sense. Why would I wake up at this time of day? Boo. Maybe my body and mind is trying to tell me something? I mean I wouldn't wake up unless there was a reason for it. I'm too curious for my own good. Now, I'm debating whether to stay up or not. I mean it's already 5am. Hmm we'll see.

Yesterday I impulsely bought a jacket on forever21.com. It's gray and was only $16.50. It was cute. I couldn't resist but now I feel bad for spending money when I didn't need to because I have a crap load of clothes as it is already.

I'm quite excited to have my new room in our condo this coming school year. Finally, to have my own privacy and get away from distractions but mostly I'm ecstatic to have my own space and own closet. Also, if I'm sad nobody can see me cry. Which is a very good thing because I feel obligated to tell them why I'm crying and sometimes I just want to cry and not tell anyone about it. Bad, I know but I don't keep it in all the time. Before I use to..that was such a horrible stage.

I thought I broke my glasses when I suddenly woke up. I was lying on them :(

I'm blogging as I go. Sorry quite random.

Damnit. I have so much to do. I need to stop procrastinating and just do it. My future is starting to scare me. I really don't know what to expect or how it's going to turn out--how I'm going to turn out. A lot can happen in a year--a lot can change in a year and quite drastically, I might add. So much has changed in the last 5 years and I don't know how to comprehend it. Like I have but when I think about every path I've taken it's iffy.

Shit. I know life is simple but why do I keep thinking it's so complicated? Maybe because that's how my life has turned out the last 5 years.

Ok I'm just blabbing now. Until next time.

Love, Me.

Thankful.

Got back from Long Beach on Sunday morning. I was suppose to get back on Saturday night but certain circumstances caused me to stay another night. It was cool though because I got to hang out with Char and Escano.

Long Beach Recap:
I won't go into details but I'll list things that I did.

-Northridge and CSUN with Andrew and Alex.
-KBBQ with Andrew and Orlie. Then later in the week with Christine, Andrew, Geronimo and his friend.
-Apartment hunting with Andrew and Christine. Found our place :).
-Ate at Zephyr (vegetarian cafe) with James. Went there for dinner and then lunch the next day.
-Beach with James. Went twice as well.
-Grocery shopping with James, more than once.
-Watched "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" and "The Ugly Truth" with James.
-Yogurtland with Charlynne, her brother and her brother's friend.

What this blog is really about..
I'm thankful for my life. I'm thankful for being alive. I'm thankful for my family and the family that I have. I'm thankful for the friends that I've had that have come and gone and the one's that are still here. I'm thankful for being able to sing and actually have some talent. I'm thankful for having music be such a big part of my life and being able to say that I'm an alumnus of one of the top choirs in the state. I'm thankful for getting into college and doing well in a new city and being okay away from my family. I'm thankful for having been in love twice and experiencing what it feels like to break someone's heart and get heart broken because it's taught me to appreciate how important loving someone is.

But..even with all these things to be thankful for..I'm still lost and I still think negative from time to time. Which makes me feel extremely guilty. I have NOTHING to complain about. My life is normal, my life is better off than a lot of other people out there and yet I'm still not completely satisfied with it. And the reason for that is simply..I'm lonely. I miss having that person to confide in. I miss having that one person you know who will always be there no matter what. I miss having that one person I can call in the middle of the night who would answer and listen to me cry, even if that's all I did. I miss having that one person who would just hold me when everything else in my life seemed to be going wrong. And what sucks is..I don't even want to be in a relationship for a long time to come because even though I miss all of this and even though I'm lonely..it's hard work and I don't think my heart can take that much pain again.

Oh I'm not sad btw. Just venting how I've been feeling lately and where my heart and head is at.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

Randomosity.

So, I'm coming home from LB today. Enough said. Jk.

I'll blog when I get home. Okie dokie pokie.

Until tonight.

Love, Me.

Weekend (& weekday) Getaway

So I'm in Long Beach for the week and it's already Sunday. 6 more days already? Crazy. I've just been out and about. I'll blog about it later. No internet at the apartamento that's why :(

Until next time.

Love, Me.

P.S-I missssh you sister!

Disney.

Sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile.

Yesterday after picking up Arielle and Kevin from driver's ed, my sisters and I went to our aunt's house to eat longanisa. Then we watched some teleserye and then my aunt came home with McDonald's so we ate some more. My mom then came by and we dropped off my car and then headed to Union City. We went to Seafood City and Borders. My mom bought "The Time Traveler's Wife" for me since I wanted to read it before the movie. Quite addicted already.

Later that night my dad came home from work and he carried in 4 bags full of VHS tapes. It's practically all the Disney movies in existence and some others like Grease and the Wizard of Oz. I would say the Disney movies missing are perhaps the sequels to like the main ones like Pocahontas 2 and what not but the originals are better anyway in my opinion. Anyway, I just finished watching Pocahontas and now I'm watching Mulan.

This past weekend my family and I went to SF (pictures are on my facebook.) We took the ferry which was fun but so effin cold yo. Yikes. We went to Pier 39 and had clam chowder and donuts like always. Yummy in my stummy. We pretty much walked around. Later that night we dropped off my aunt, uncle and cousins and then drove back to SFO to pick up Adrian and them.

I've been really bored and empty lately. Not emotional or sad though. I've been content which is amazing for me. I don't remember the last time I was this content for this long. These Disney videos came at the right time but after I watch all of them where will I go and what will I do? I won't lie I miss being in a relationship. It kept my life in check, it helped me keep balanced and it made life interesting and not boring. Is it weird that I miss arguing with someone? Is it weird that I miss having that feeling? Or disregard that last question. Again, I'm not emo, just thinking. Sometimes you can believe whole-heartedly in something but not have any more faith in it. That's how I am with love at this point but you know what? That's ok with me. Absolutely fine. I'm happy with everything I've learned and experienced and the next relationship I have is going to be kick ass but that's going to be a long time from now, which is ok too.

Ok this is quite long and I'm just blabbing and there are probably many grammatical errors but whatever. Until next time.

Love, Me.

Last piece to the puzzle.

Figured out why I can't sleep. Instincts, I hate you but you're good. Never failed me yet.

Until next time. Or the next hour rather.

Love, Me.

Charmed.

Watching 'Charmed' with my sisters. I love this show, obviously. Three sisters, kicking ass? Yep. Not to mention whenever I watch it I get really into the plot and story line. Also, how the sister's deal with life in general is incredible. Yes, it's a show, not real life and so what? I don't care. Don't fun make.

Blah. Almost 3 and not tired. Again, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, not depressed or sad or even mad. So why am I even awake? No idea. I'm sure it will come up sooner or later though. Stupid subconscious shit.

Today bessst gave me the money for my Long Beach ticket. Thank you bessst! Seriously. You don't read my blog but you're such a good friend. I owe you a big favor now whether you like it or not! So I went to the bank and deposited that money and when I got home I bought the ticket right away.

Uhhh what else did I do..oh! Went to mom's work with Andrew, Camille and my sisters to fax our housing applications. Then we went to Newpark so I could exchange my dress for a bigger size but they didn't have it anymore. I mean it fits nicely and fits my figure but kind of short. I ain't no slut foo. Haha. After Newpark we went to In n Out and ordered food. Then went home. Took a nap when I got home.

I've just been twittering, facebooking, youtubing and iChatting ever since.

Until next time.

Love, Me.

Teeny weensy, teeny tiny blog.

Interesting day today. Well technically yesterday since it's 3 minutes pass midnight.

Got re-addicted to twitter but deleted all the emo shit I had before. I say that's a pat on the back for me. That encompassed most of my day.

Jeff stopped by and brought me food and his friend's puppy. It was a pitbull. Adorable. Made my day. It was sleeping on the floor, next to the couch, next to me :) See above!

Wow nevermind. It was an interesting day, I promise. But most of it was facebooking, twittering and iChatting. So, can't exactly put all of that crap into detail. Haha.

Boring blog = OVER! Until next time.

Love, Me.

Functioning on 4 hours of sleep.

Slept at 2, woke up at 6. Oh boy. Usually for me that equals sad or mad. In this case, mad. It really baffles (this word makes me laugh, it looks like waffles) me how much people only think about themselves. I may be sad a lot of the time and always getting caught in the past but I always try my hardest not to be selfish and not take advantage of people. It rarely happens when I do. I guess that's why I'm always sad because I put other's happiness before mine. I hate counting on people because in the end they always bring you down. They either flake on you, ignore you, take advantage of you or talk about you behind your back.

I went to bed mad. Which I haven't done since I was in a relationship which would make sense. Quite awake and quite sleepy but quite lost to tell you the truth. Oh and I'm not mad at the person that you all might be thinking I'm mad at, just to clarify if you were thinking about a certain someone that is. That certain someone thought I was mad at him, he just asked me, nope, I'm not.

Anyway, time to blog about my fourth of July weekend? Sure, why not? Might as well.

July 4th
Began the day with my mom, sisters and me watching home videos. It was awesome. Then we were off to the Medina household, of course. The usuals were there, Andrew's friends, family and my family of course. We never have to buy fireworks because Andrew lives right in front of the park and a bunch of teenagers every year go to beachwood and have a shit load of fireworks. So we usually just all sit and stand in the driveway to watch. Loved it as usual. I took care of our nephew, Zayden the whole time. Oh boy. That little kid can run. It was fun though. Made me sure, I wanted kids and not want them at all, at the same time. Haha. We were there from 8 to midnight. Something like that.

My favorite part was when my family and I got home and we watched home videos till 2 in the morning. Made me happy.

July 5th
My mom, sisters and I watched home videos all day. We went to church from 7pm to 8pm then we brought the home videos to my lola and lolo's house and we all watched together. Then my family and I watched more home videos with my dad there. It was truly family bonding. I was such a weird kid. Haha. Oh my.


Ok this is enough for today. Until next time.

Love, Me

Not as complicated as everyone makes me out to be.

Honestly, it doesn't take much to make me happy. It really doesn't. I could be in such a bad mood and not want to talk to anyone and all it takes is one of my favorite songs to play or sing and I'm fine. Or that special someone, (if I have a special someone at the time,) all it takes is one text from them simply saying "I miss you" and it makes my day.

I don't blame people for thinking I'm complicated. I mean, my love life of course makes them think that way but I'm really not. You just have to figure me out first and I'm honestly one of the most simplistic girls on the planet. Sigh. I wish I didn't have that reputation though because I believed it for awhile but I'm remembering now that I've always just been that simple girl.

So, today went to Hercules with my grandparents, parents and cousin. We went to deal with some business but that's all I'm going to say since I can't really talk about it. I tagged along because I was bored at home and going made me bored as well but better than staying at home on my macbook all day.

Right now, I am quite irritated at my mom. She still isn't letting me go to Long Beach for a week and it's getting ridiculous because her reasons change every time. I know the real reason she doesn't want me to go and I want her to just say it. Ugh. I understand that she's concerned about me but cut me some slack, you know? At least give me SOME credit for being away from home for 9 months. I have till Sunday to negotiate I guess. It's going to take a hell of a lot to persuade her. Hella. Boo. I'm going to do it though, whatever it takes.

Ok, I'm done complaining. Until next time.

Love, Me

P.S-Happy Independence Day :)..no idea if my family and I are doing anything..

Can't sleep. Boo.

First of all, Hi Philip! Since you're probably the only one who reads this, so far. Haha.

Today pretty much did nothing but then kicked it at Odrin's house at around 9pm. Hella chill. I love hanging out with them. Who was also there? Pablo, Andrew, Rachel, Apneet, Justin and Daniel. Odrin and Ronel's dog, Diggs, likes me. He kept licking me though, cute? Ehh kind of. No licking me please. That's what I kept telling him but he wouldn't listen. Boo. Anyway, highlight of the night was when we played this game called "Things". Quite fun, quite fun. My stummy still hurts from laughing.

So, 4th of July is in like 22 hours. I wonder if my family and I are doing anything? No clue if we are.

Oh! So today I had a weird revelation/realization or whatever you want to call it. I hope it lasts. I'll be happy longer if it lasts. I really am a weird ass person. No wonder people don't get me. Haha. Ok this is for today. Night.

Love, Me

July already? Crazy.

I can't believe it's July 1st. Time really does fly and every time I realize that, I still can't grasp the thought of it. It's only been 43 minutes into the day and into the new month and I'm already not in the best mood. I think too much and I always let my thoughts get the best of me. Starting this blog is going to be good for me. Venting out to people may help but I never take anyone's advice to heart, so might as well talk to myself yeah? Ok, this is enough for now. Until next time.

Love, Me.

P.S-happy what would have been.. :/